Saturday, November 29, 2008


I was a senior in high school when I read, The Perks of Being a Wallflower. Somewhere in the pages of that perfect book, Charlie says, "I feel infinite". Since then, since I was given the words to describe the most delicate and wonderful moments of my life, I have been thankful for human infinity.
Infinite is the only way to describe the moment I was first handed B. Every mother/father knows that feeling. That moment when "Finally!" meets please-don't-let-this-moment-end. I filled those first hours of the family of three with B at my chest trimming tiny fingernails and counting perfect eyelashes, and understanding for the first time in my life that I am granted grace and redemption is an exponential and infinite way. I understood that I was maybe just a lost soul in a fishbowl, but it didn't matter. Because the precious things, the infinite things are just as lost as me, and I was paired with all that was infinite in a network of timelessness that was beyond my control.
I felt rooted and connected not only in my womanhood but in my faith and personality. I become who I had always wanted to be. Not only did I deliver my son without the courtesy of modern pain relievers like my mother, but like so many before her. Like my greatest-great-grandmother. Like Mary. Like Eve. I was one of many. And in the disconnected society in which we live, belonging to something, even through the burden of pain is transcending.
The story of the birth of my first son. My only son so far. Is the story of my awakening. The comical and tragic and infinite story of who I was, who I delivered, and who I came to be. Those first moments of fogginess and clarity define me and describe me and root me more than any other moments of my life. I became a mother. And for this, I am forever thankful.
Because this is a moment of thankfulness that didn't end in the delivery room. Every moment of loving and teaching and shaping and becoming is exactly the infinity my life had been screaming for for the previous twenty two years. And the love and patience, and kindness that I have learned has been essential for my existence. The frugality, self-control, and responsibility. I have become a mother in those simple and exquisite moments. Thank you. For allowing me this grace.


jessica said...

very nice. you will have to write his birth story out one day.

littlefishbaby said...


...and what a constant learning and stretching motherhood is! full of love that you never thought existed on this earth.

Praise God for mothers like you who don't succomb to the modern day societies take on parenting/childbirth/what boobs are for. Praise God for the first born son. I cannot wait to see what the years unfold to be...